there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
