Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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