I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize