he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh god it's open bar.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
