he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
