just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
