they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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