I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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