I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
