Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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