glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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