The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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