Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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