We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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