After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
