it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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