so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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