I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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