Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
