I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm like, not good at living.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
