We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize