Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
