I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
