Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
