I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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