I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
