This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
