She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
