I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
