I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
