would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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