There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize