I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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