Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
