Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
