it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize