Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
