I am in a vortex of obligation.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
