dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
