The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
