you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
