According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
