He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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