Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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