Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
