Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
