Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You can't special order awesome
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
