My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize