People in love make me want to vomit
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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