Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
