im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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