i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
