it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
