I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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