My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
