I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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