ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
