she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
