Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
